TOGETHER WITH YOU, we're bringing people together in Rockwood to ensure that no one is invisible and that everyone has access to food, freedom, and forgiveness.
TOGETHER WITH YOU, we envision Rockwood becoming a community of holistic prosperity where children are less vulnerable to being trafficked, adults do not want to traffic kids, and people are becoming followers of Jesus.
RESURRECTION LIFE
Last month, we briefly mentioned our sister in Christ who has had her teaching gift from the Holy Spirit awakened in her. Dana is one of several people we are blessed to know and experience mutual encouragement with. She gave us permission to share her (condensed) story here... Hi! My name is Dana & I am a precious child of God. Today I claim victory over drugs & alcohol. I still struggle with food & codependency issues. I have struggled all my life with feeling different, like an outsider. Never quite fitting in… It’s like standing on the street in the rain, looking through a big glass window; Seeing a party going on inside. Everyone inside is having a good time, laughing & talking, hugging each other…Wanting so much to go in & join that party but having no idea how. Feeling doomed to stand outside cold & alone in the rain. That’s how my life felt growing up. Alone. In school I was a loner, the awkward chubby girl in the back of the room. I was the last one picked for teams in PE & the target of neighborhood bullies after school. I had no real friends. Loneliness was not a feeling; it was my identity. I remember how I would sit on the sidelines & watch the other kids on the playground… Wishing SO MUCH to be included, to be popular like them. I wanted so much to fit in! This is where my co-dependent tendencies are really rooted, in the desperate yearnings of little girl aching to be wanted. As a kid, my family went to church on Sundays, but I don’t remember ever having a meaningful conversation about God in our home. I went to all the Sunday School classes, Vacation Bible Schools & church youth retreats, but somehow missed the message of Jesus as my personal friend. The tiny mustard seed of faith had been sewn but lay dormant in me. As I grew older church became more like an obligation and in my teens I completely turned my back on it and God. I believed that happiness came from being part of the cool crowd. My desperate need to be accepted and approved by others became the central theme of my life, and church just wasn’t cool. In the 7th grade I was introduced to marijuana. I will never forget the euphoric feeling of that first high! For the first time I can remember I felt free to be….. just be. For a little while I was funny, and fun, and ok. I chased that feeling for the next 30 years…. Soon after I found out about speed (white cross tops back then). I have always been obsessed with my weight. Thin equaled beautiful and being beautiful meant I would be wanted, desired by boys. These “diet pills” seemed like the perfect solution. The first time I tried them I was emotionally hooked. This was the answer I’d been looking for! Suddenly I wasn’t awkward, I didn’t feel different. I could do anything, be anything. Every drug I tried & used from then on was a bigger, better form of “Go Fast”. That same summer I also tried alcohol for the first time. From the beginning I had issues. I drank way too much, way too fast, and did a lot of stupid things …most of which I didn’t remember. Some of which I wish I could forget. Blackouts were my safety mechanism. If I didn’t know, I didn’t have to deal with the guilt/shame/remorse. I always went out with the idea of having a good time, but somehow it never turned out that way. When I look back now I can’t really remember many “good times” … but I can remember a lot of shameful things I would rather forget.
Waking up in strange places, usually surrounded by people I didn’t know
Waking at home, my car parked haphazardly out front, having no memory of leaving the party let alone driving home.
I spent the next several years chasing the parties, trying to fit in, wanting to believe I finally belonged. My co-dependency and my car made me a valuable asset to my “friends” because I could be counted on to go along with whatever wild scheme someone came up with and make sure that everyone arrived to participate. I completely abandoned my morals & values in an effort to be accepted. I lied, cheated and stole from family and friends. I had sex with just about anyone who looked my way and tried desperately to find value in myself through their eyes. Fresh out of high school with a good job and a promising career, I rented a house with 3 of my friends. The party life soon became a full-time occupation however, leaving little time for “responsibilities” like work and friendships. I lost my job & started selling drugs to support my lifestyle. My high school friends moved out & party friends moved in. Lost in my addiction and my emotional neediness I surrendered everything I was and turned to the people around me for my identity. My entire life became wrapped up in the finding, using, and finding ways and means to get more. More drugs, more people around me, more of what they were looking for so they would need me. My life became a blur, a crazy funhouse, just one long unending party. I got evicted from my house when I quit paying rent. Imagine that! Having nowhere else to go, I moved in with my supplier. He kept trying to convince me to “date” guys who would pay me for the privilege, and wanted me to carry drugs into OSCI. When I look back I realize that this is one of the first times I can clearly see God showing up in my messy life, although at the time I didn’t recognize that still small voice as His…. I just knew that my heart and head screamed “NO!”. I was scared & called my mom. She graciously allowed me to come home. I repaid her kindness by continued partying & living a life of familiar chaos. I got pregnant & wasn’t even sure who the father was. I decided a change of venue was necessary so I moved in with my sister in Bremerton, Washington where I met my first husband. He was in the Navy & stationed on the same ship as my brother-in-law. Even though I was pregnant with someone else’s child he asked me to marry him. I chose to give the baby up for adoption and he supported my decision. It was one of the hardest & best decisions I have ever made. We were not ready to be the kind of parents I knew my baby deserved. Time passed and he completed his Navy commitment. We moved to his hometown in California & over the next 15 years we tried to make a life that worked. Bob was a good provider & by all outward appearances our life was stable. But, we partied often & my disease progressed. I have 2 sons from that marriage. They are the best thing I ever did in my life and I am very proud of the functional, responsible men they have become. Through sheer force of will I stopped using when I was pregnant, but I turned to food & gained huge amounts of weight each time. I still believed the lie that thin equaled beautiful and I wanted desperately to be beautiful in my husband’s eyes so I would start using again to help me slim back down. It didn’t take long for Meth to be the all-consuming thing in my life and my perception of reality slipped away. I stopped taking care of my house, myself & our budget. I made excuses for my behavior & lied about my day-to-day activities. I hid my drugs from my husband & he pretended not to know. I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame for all the ways I fell short and desperately looked for validation in the eyes of anyone that would look in my direction. After several affairs on both of our parts, a secret abortion after one of my affairs, and years of dysfunction & despair I finally called it quits. Lost in my addiction I was stunned and heartbroken when my sons chose to stay with their dad. You see, in my distorted perception of reality I was an awesome mom, fully present for them. I couldn’t see how much my chaotic behavior affected them. I immediately got involved with the man who would become my next husband & we moved back to Oregon to “start over”. You see Paul saw nothing wrong with my drug use and so of course I was “in love”. Over the next couple of years both of my sons & all 4 of his came to live with us. All were teenagers with acting out issues. IMAGINE THAT! It was like a pressure cooker in our house all the time. Paul & I used together, drank a lot, and had ugly drunken fights. Although he never put hands on me, Paul was a violent & angry man. The many holes in our walls gave evidence to the dark rage that dwelt in our home. A conversation would become an argument & he would go storming out the front door slamming it so hard it rattled the windows. Then he would pace around the outside of the house screaming & yelling at the top of his lungs for all the neighbors to hear. I learned how to be very quiet & keep my mouth shut… except when I drank..Like flipping a switch I would go from being sweet & loving to being an angry screaming nightmare. I was suddenly up to whatever fight he wanted to start, and often started them myself. On Oct. 20, 1998 we went out, like so many other times, to have a few drinks & “have a good time”. Like always we ended up fighting over something. Paul left the bar & went home. I stayed & kept drinking. At some point I decided I wasn’t finished with our conversation & went home. I woke him up to continue our “discussion”. He started screaming at me, threw our TV crashing through the bedroom window, and went storming down the stairs waking his son Neil to go with him. He went out the door into the street raging like always. I had had enough, grabbed my handgun from the nightstand, woke my son Travis (so he wouldn’t be scared...lol) & went down the stairs after Paul locking him out of the house. He sent Neil across the street to call the police & tried to break the front door down. The Police cars turned the corner at about the same time the door gave way & I pulled the trigger, firing a round into the ground to “warn” him. Needless to say, the police aren’t excited about drunk people with guns. I was thrown to the ground, handcuffed, and taken to Multnomah County jail. The next morning (my clean date Oct 21, 1998) I appeared before the judge, grass-stained, torn clothing, smeared makeup (I kind of looked like the Joker), HUNG OVER and answered to charges of Domestic Violence, Drunk & Disorderly, & Felony discharge of a firearm within city limits. The judge ordered 30 days no contact with my husband pending trial so I had to find somewhere else to live. Like so many other things in my life, this was part of Gods perfect plan. I stayed with my brother who had started his sober lifestyle several years earlier. I began going to AA meetings as suggested by my attorney and the court. My brother suggested that I try to listen for the similarities not the differences in the stories that were shared. Guilt, shame, remorse & loneliness were feelings I heard about over and over. These were all things I could relate to. The court offered me a deal. Plead guilty up front, complete a 6-month diversion program and the record would be expunged if I was successful. I accepted the offer & this is where my heart finally became ready to let God in. Coincidentally a guy Paul worked with had been inviting us to check out his new church. One of the things I kept hearing about in AA was Higher Power & God. I hadn’t really thought about God in a long time, but that tiny seed of faith from years before sprouted and began to grow. We went to his church & for the first time I can remember I felt the unconditional love & acceptance of a faith family. I didn’t even have to do anything & they welcomed me! This was such a monumental concept for me. It was not about my performance, I just had to show up! For the next few months I worked very hard on myself. I was successful in the diversion program and ready to find a better way of life. I got very active in the church & in their outreach to homeless youth. Paul finally quit drinking several months later, because I insisted, but things did not improve. He did not work a program, was still an angry, violent man & I left him in 2003. I spent the next few years very active in my church & trying to learn about myself. I realized that I had always been someone’s girlfriend; wife; mother. I had no clear idea what my own ideals & values were. I had always been a reflection of whoever I was in relationship with at the time. I did not continue my AA program but instead tried to substitute my church & women’s study groups. I learned a lot of important things, but had not learned how to apply the principles of recovery to other areas of my life. I found myself feeling more and more alone & lonely. You see, I still hadn’t figured out how to be in relationship with ME. A few years into my new life, I thought I had figured some things out and started a new “Healthy” relationship with a man who seemed to have his act together. He presented as humble and open. His faith and his recovery were fairly new (less than 2 years) but he talked the talk and seemed to walk the walk. On our second date he took me to a Faith Based recovery meeting that was his home group. That’s when I finally saw what recovery is REALLY all about! These people were laughing, talking & loving on each other! No one had to wear a mask or pretend to be something they were not. Everyone was accepted & welcome sins, shortcomings, failures & all! It was just like that imagined party I talked about earlier, only this time I was on the inside, not standing outside in the rain. For the first time I really wanted this recovery thing. Despite the difficult times and disappointments that would come to define that relationship, I will always be grateful that he introduced me to Celebrate Recovery. It has changed my life. I will never be the same again. Unfortunately, neither of us had managed to pick up any healthy relationship tools. Without even consciously realizing it I slipped back into my old, familiar codependent behaviors. I turned a blind eye to any of his behaviors that didn’t align with my morals or values. I made excuses to myself and others about who he was and how he acted. I gave myself away in dozens of different ways in an effort to conform myself to who I thought he wanted me to be. I did everything in my power to minimize his struggles, his pain, his negative consequences. I took personal responsibility to take care of and manage anything in our life that was difficult for him. You see, at my core I still believed that in order to be loved and to be loving I must be responsible for all his needs and feelings. Many times I took my doubts, my questions, my struggles to God in prayer. Each time the answer I heard was “wait”. I always assumed that I was waiting for some “aha” moment, some giant revelation, some monumental change in my husband and/or our relationship. I didn’t realize until after that really I was waiting to be ENTIRELY ready… ready to surrender and submit my entire self to Gods care and keeping. We struggled along for more than 10 years. There were absolutely some good times in the mix, but the relationship was always overshadowed with the things unsaid, the needs unmet, the promises unfulfilled. There were a couple of huge elephants in the corners that we simply never acknowledged. It was like a mixture of holding my breath and walking on eggshells most of the time. There came a day when I simply couldn’t keep up the masquerade anymore. There was one more incident, one more confrontation, one more discussion, and one more “plan of action” agreed to. I was crushed by the ugly truth I could no longer ignore, flat faced on the floor, and finally ready to do whatever it took to Never have to feel that way again. I was finally ready. I spent the next year actively pursuing a new understanding of the principles of recovery. I found a CR that was outside our normal circle where I could feel truly free to share my struggles without worry of it somehow getting back to my husband. I got a sponsor. I even called her for advice and guidance! I, for the first time in my 20 years of recovery, did a step-study start to finish. I used the questions in the workbooks as a starting point to really, deeply, thoroughly examine myself, my beliefs, my past. I worked hard to shine light in all my dark corners. Through this process, A MIRACLE HAPPENED. I learned to see myself the way God sees me. I am finally able to see the unique set of qualities and giftings He has given me. I am finally in a right relationship with myself because I am in a right relationship with God. I no longer have a desperate need to see myself through the reflection in anyone else’s eyes, because I can see myself in His eyes and that’s truly all that matters. Don’t get me wrong, its always nice when other people like me, but if they don’t that’s ok too. I like me, and God likes me. That’s enough. Sadly, my marriage did not withstand the test of fire. He simply wasn’t ready, or able, to do the work needed. Once I quit needing his approval to be ok, things were just never the same. When I took my struggles to God this time His gentle, loving answer was “Yes child, you can go”. I turned the page, and have moved on with my new life. Today my life is so much different than I would have imagined. It is rich with goodness & full of love. I have a rockin' career & own my own business. More importantly, I have a great relationship & friendship with my sons, and awesome grandkids that are the angels of my world. Most importantly I have an amazing relationship with God, and with myself. I am a work in progress. I often fall short of my goals but always pick myself up to try again. I am still working on how to maintain my uniqueness and individuality within a relationship. This absolutely does not come naturally for me. I learn as I go and try to apply the lessons well and do it better next time. In my recovery I have learned some very important things about who I am, and who I am not. I am NOT responsible for the feelings, behaviors, or happiness of others… even those I care deeply about. I am NOT fat, ugly, unlovable or unworthy. I am NOT a bad person, a bad mother, a bad friend, or a bad partner. My value is NOT determined by my appearance or my performance. I AM a beloved daughter of the Most High King. I AM beautiful and perfect in His eyes, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I AM worthy of love, respect and honor. I AM a good friend to have, and a valuable ally in the war against the darkness. I am a recovering addict and my name is Dana.
Happy Easter to all of you! May the Resurrection of Jesus find you experiencing HIM every day of your life!
Because of YOU, we are able to educate others about sex trafficking, help foster a collaborative spirit amongst churches in an at-risk community, disciple others who will disciple others, and take the Gospel to the nations! Thank you for allowing God to use your prayers and financial investments to help this happen!
Copyright © 2021 Scott and Vicki McCracken, All rights reserved.
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Copyright (C) 2021 Scott and Vicki McCracken. All rights reserved.
Scott and Vicki McCracken
2225 SE 157th Ave.
Portland, Oregon 97233
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